-Season begins with a loss
-Wins creep in
-People have no idea what is going on or why. Fears of war, rumors of war, and the lion lying down with the lamb appear
-40 year old Bronson Arroyo drags himself out of his Buick en route to the Early Bird Special to re-join the pitching rotation. It goes precisely as well as you might expect.
-Reds manager Bryan Price acts decisively to calm population: No more winning!
-Starting pitchers are relegated to their proper role of pitching until the everybody runs out of baseballs since so many are leaving the stadium courtesy of the opposing team. Bullpen is only contacted when starter runs away and hides in the Bob Evans Reds Head Clubhouse
-Peace in the city restored
–The Reds play the Giants in a West Coast extra-innings game that lasts approximately as long as Ken Burns’ entire Vietnam War documentary, and also the entire Vietnam War itself.
–A bird shows up in the Reds broadcast booth. It is the most interesting thing to happen in a baseball facility containing the Reds in two months.
-Scooter Gennett hits four home runs in a single game, electrifying a home crowd and making the St. Louis Cardinals feel bad. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.
-That last item was the highlight of the entire season. It’s June.
-Joey Votto dresses up as a donkey to encourage votes for Zack Cozart. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.
-Pitcher Homer Bailey returns to the starting rotation. Everyone is thrilled until they aren’t.
-Cozart and Votto appear in the All Star Game. Cozart has to answer questions about donkeys for four days. Votto is named Teammate Troll of the Century.
-The Reds turn a triple play involving former team member Todd Frazier. A run scores because of course it does.
-The Reds are mathematically eliminated from the postseason and bear down to begin working on stocking up losses for next year.
-The Cardinals are also mathematically eliminated from the postseason. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.
-I got a bobblehead during a GAPB giveaway and Tony Perez’s head is stuck and won’t bobble. Also “Reds” is misspelled. This seems appropriate somehow.
-Your Cincinnati Reds have a 1.000 winning percentage in the month of October for the 2017 season.
-No word on how the donkey is taking it.
Proud aunt Mary Beth Ellis is a freelance writer and college teacher who lives in Cincinnati, OH. Her home site, BlondeChampagne.com, has existed in at least some form since 2003, and Mary Beth has been a regular columnist with one publication or another from the age of 16. Her first book, Drink to the Lasses, was published in 2006. She currently teaches college, runs personal wine tastings, gives literary readings, and stares into the middle distance.