2017 Reds / Baseball Is Life / Joey Votto is Perfect

Baseball Is Life: 2017 Season Highlights

APRIL

-Season begins with a loss

-Wins creep in

-Winning intensifies

-People have no idea what is going on or why. Fears of war, rumors of war, and the lion lying down with the lamb appear

-40 year old Bronson Arroyo drags himself out of his Buick en route to the Early Bird Special to re-join the pitching rotation. It goes precisely as well as you might expect.

MAY

-Reds manager Bryan Price acts decisively to calm population:  No more winning!

-Starting pitchers are relegated to their proper role of pitching until the everybody runs out of baseballs since so many are leaving the stadium courtesy of the opposing team. Bullpen is only contacted when starter runs away and hides in the Bob Evans Reds Head Clubhouse

-Losing

-Peace in the city restored

The Reds play the Giants in a West Coast extra-innings game that lasts approximately as long as Ken Burns’ entire Vietnam War documentary, and also the entire Vietnam War itself.

A bird shows up in the Reds broadcast booth. It is the most interesting thing to happen in a baseball facility containing the Reds in two months.

JUNE

-Scooter Gennett hits four home runs in a single game, electrifying a home crowd and making the St. Louis Cardinals feel bad. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.

-That last item was the highlight of the entire season. It’s June.

-Losing

-Joey Votto dresses up as a donkey to encourage votes for Zack Cozart. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.

-Pitcher Homer Bailey returns to the starting rotation. Everyone is thrilled until they aren’t.

JULY

-Cozart and Votto appear in the All Star Game. Cozart has to answer questions about donkeys for four days. Votto is named Teammate Troll of the Century.

-The Reds turn a triple play involving former team member Todd Frazier. A run scores because of course it does.

-Losing

AUGUST

-Losing

SEPTEMBER

-The Reds are mathematically eliminated from the postseason and bear down to begin working on stocking up losses for next year.

-Losing

-The Cardinals are also mathematically eliminated from the postseason. It is the greatest night in the history of the organization.

-I got a bobblehead during a GAPB giveaway and Tony Perez’s head is stuck and won’t bobble. Also “Reds” is misspelled. This seems appropriate somehow.

OCTOBER

-Your Cincinnati Reds have a  1.000 winning percentage in the month of October for the 2017 season.

-No word on how the donkey is taking it.

 

 

31 thoughts on “Baseball Is Life: 2017 Season Highlights

  1. Are you serious? They spelled Reds wrong? You have to post a picture. This article is priceless. Best one of the year.

  2. As the only team to ever lose 100 games in a season (2016) and make the playoffs the next year, I’m rooting for the Minnesota Twins.

    • TR, I don’t care who wins the WS just as long as it’s not the Cubs again. I don’t think I could handle a world in which the stupid cubs are back-to-back WS champions. I hated to even type that.

        • Yeah, but it’s still Cleveland. Sam Wyche remains absolutely right. I’m rooting for an improbable Astros-Rockies WS. No team from CA, NY, or MA need apply.

  3. Losing, losing, losing, losing, losing, losing…..Hey, guess what….I’m tired of the losing. Thank god the offseason is here. It gives me a break from the losing. I just had my 41st bday a couple days ago and mother nature gave me 6 little gray hairs as a crappy present…but I’m convinced that 1 or 2 of those gray hairs are from all the losing the reds did over the previous 6+ months.

    • It took you until 41 to get gray hair? You’re fortunate, I’ve been there since 25.

      • Tom, according to my wife, not for long. She says I’m getting a bald spot. I don’t believe her. I don’t care if the sun is bouncing off of my shiny head blinding everybody in a 10 mile radius, I’ll deny it to the grave, lol. But I’m not. I’ll keep you updated though.

      • That’s what I was going to say! I’m 47 and every time more grays show up, I tell myself “Well Lar, at least you still have yours”

  4. The Reds were undefeated in October. Joey Votto was awesome. Tucker Barnhart, Eugenio Suarez and Zack Cozart had breakout years – they are professional baseball players and can play on my team any time (as long as Cozart’s knee and quad are healthy of course). Gennett, Duvall, Schebler and Hamilton all have real skills and will either contribute next year on the field or by bringing new (perhaps better?) players in trade. Jesse Winker showed that he should be part of the Next Red Machine and Nick Senzel is knocking louder and louder on the GABP door every month. The defense was good, the bullpen was not historically awful, and some sorting of the rotation actually started. I’m excited for 2018. Until then, the Reds swept October and it was the greatest game of the year. Go Reds!

  5. Enjoyed your articles all year Mary Beth. A good refuge during all the losing.

  6. This summary suspiciously omits at least two or three sacrifice bunts by non-pitchers that didn’t result in zero runs. Anti-Price bias!

  7. You.Have.Outdone.Yourself.

    Best year for the MBE posts EVER. I reserved exactly +3,000,000 points for you and your final article to carry us through on the high hopes of 1-0 for October.

    GO TRIBE!!!

  8. Great article and not afraid to “tell it like it is.” The Red’s are lousy.

  9. Thanks for your articles this season, Mary Beth.
    On this one, you could have ended every month, “Some Reds players went on the disabled list”.

Comments are closed.