This being the last home series of the baseball season, it is perhaps well that we all try to train for the ghastly specter that is Not Baseball Season. So I did my best to pay attention to other sports and summarize what you missed while you were shotgunning these last few days of open gates at Great American Ball Park.
FOOTBALL: The Bengals lost. I don’t even have to look that up; I just know they lost. I know they lost because I turned on the car and the radio station which broadcasts the Bengals games had just begun the post-game show, and Dave Lapham was talking in a funeral whisper, approaching each player as though he had just emerged from a massive natural disaster in which he was the sole survivor.
FC CINCINNATI: Did they play this weekend? Has anyone heard? Usually, people are jumping up and down about it on Twitter when they play, and I didn’t really see anything about it, so… FC Cincinnati didn’t do anything this weekend, I guess.
HOCKEY: My choir is singing the National Anthem at the Cyclones Game on October 14 and you guys should totally come. It’s $1 beer night. HMU.
FIGURE SKATING: As I’m sure you’re aware, the Autumn Classic International took place in Quebec this weekend. I need to emphasize that the following is absolutely true: With all the music ever composed at their disposal, a Canadian ice dance pair chose to perform a free dance to the theme song from Perry Mason. They were rewarded with the bronze medal. Also a Russian male figure skater won first place by performing to a medley of Elvis songs in a routine which included a triple lutz-half loop-triple salchow and I don’t understand why more of you don’t watch figure skating.
SAY SOCCER: I watched three of my nephews play. One lost and the other two won. The youngest got Cheetos as his aftersnack. Everybody needed to spread out, talk to each other, and go to the ball. I met a doggie named Chloe on the sidelines who sat under my chair. I got to share the Cheetos. It was a truly landmark weekend in soccer.
NASCAR: I care about NASCAR exactly to the point at which Danica Patrick is losing. I’m told she no longer has a sponsor, so I probably don’t need to pay attention anymore.
KINGS ISLAND ENDURANCE RUN: I knew I was old the moment a visit to Kings Island became an inversely proportional work/fun ratio. It’s not a lark in an amusement park anymore; it’s a grim ground assault, a game of strategy and will rather than brute strength. How long is the line at Diamondback? An hour? Never mind. Well, how about Flight of Fear? 45 minutes isn’t bad for that one, plus you’re in the air conditioning. There’s no line for the Racer, but you get off feeling like you’ve been stuffed inside a grain elevator and beaten with rods. Mystic Timbers’ line is down, but somebody has to stay back to hold the bag with the sunglasses and the wallets and the phones. What about Beast, do they have the extra gates open?…. And so on and so forth.
On Sunday Josh The Pilot and I got to ride everything we wanted with zero line-cutting murders. We won at Kings Island, people. May the Coke refill locations be ever in your favor.
YOGA: I didn’t get to yoga this weekend because there were three cheese coneys to be eaten at one sitting and after that I couldn’t bear looking at myself in a giant mirror for a solid hour.
LUGE: This sport doesn’t actually exist. It just kind of shows up at the Olympics every four years and whoever wants to sled down the wheeee track is allowed.
BASEBALL UPDATE: There are still six games in which you have to look at this starting rotation.