This being the last home series of the baseball season, it is perhaps well that we all try to train for the ghastly specter that is Not Baseball Season. So I did my best to pay attention to other sports and summarize what you missed while you were shotgunning these last few days of open gates at Great American Ball Park.

FOOTBALL: The Bengals lost. I don’t even have to look that up; I just know they lost. I know they lost because I turned on the car and the radio station which broadcasts the Bengals games had just begun the post-game show, and Dave Lapham was talking in a funeral whisper, approaching each player as though he had just emerged from a massive natural disaster in which he was the sole survivor.

FC CINCINNATI:  Did they play this weekend? Has anyone heard?  Usually, people are jumping up and down about it on Twitter when they play, and I didn’t really see anything about it, so… FC Cincinnati didn’t do anything this weekend, I guess.

HOCKEY: My choir is singing the National Anthem at the Cyclones Game on October 14 and you guys should totally come. It’s $1 beer night. HMU.

PICTURED: This weekend’s sports highlight

FIGURE SKATING: As I’m sure you’re aware, the Autumn Classic International took place in Quebec this weekend. I need to emphasize that the following is absolutely true: With all the music ever composed at their disposal, a Canadian ice dance pair chose to perform a free dance to the theme song from Perry Mason. They were rewarded with the bronze medal. Also a Russian male figure skater won first place by performing to a medley of Elvis songs in a routine which included a triple lutz-half loop-triple salchow and I don’t understand why more of you don’t watch figure skating.

SAY SOCCER:  I watched three of my nephews play. One lost and the other two won. The youngest got Cheetos as his aftersnack. Everybody needed to spread out, talk to each other, and go to the ball. I met a doggie named Chloe on the sidelines who sat under my chair. I got to share the Cheetos. It was a truly landmark weekend in soccer.

NASCAR: I care about NASCAR exactly to the point at which Danica Patrick is losing. I’m told she no longer has a sponsor, so I probably don’t need to pay attention anymore.

KINGS ISLAND ENDURANCE RUN: I knew I was old the moment a visit to Kings Island became an inversely proportional work/fun ratio. It’s not a lark in an amusement park anymore; it’s a grim ground assault, a game of strategy and will rather than brute strength. How long is the line at Diamondback?  An hour? Never mind. Well, how about Flight of Fear?  45 minutes isn’t bad for that one, plus you’re in the air conditioning. There’s no line for the Racer, but you get off feeling like you’ve been stuffed inside a grain elevator and beaten with rods. Mystic Timbers’ line is down, but somebody has to stay back to hold the bag with the sunglasses and the wallets and the phones. What about Beast, do they have the extra gates open?…. And so on and so forth.

On Sunday Josh The Pilot and I got to ride everything we wanted with zero line-cutting murders. We won at Kings Island, people. May the Coke refill locations be ever in your favor.

YOGA: I didn’t get to yoga this weekend because there were three cheese coneys to be eaten at one sitting and after that I couldn’t bear looking at myself in a giant mirror for a solid hour.

LUGE: This sport doesn’t actually exist. It just kind of shows up at the Olympics every four years and whoever wants to sled down the wheeee track is allowed.

BASEBALL UPDATE:  There are still six games in which you have to look at this starting rotation.

About The Author

Proud aunt Mary Beth Ellis is a freelance writer and college teacher who lives in Cincinnati, OH. Her home site,, has existed in at least some form since 2003, and Mary Beth has been a regular columnist with one publication or another from the age of 16. Her first book, Drink to the Lasses, was published in 2006. She currently teaches college, runs personal wine tastings, gives literary readings, and stares into the middle distance.

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10 Responses

  1. msanmoore

    Excellent updates, especially the important one about youth soccer and the dog under your chair. Cheetos are soul food … they fall under the category of “tasty and get your fingers yellow even though you know you shouldn’t really eat them but you do anyway” … my downfall is the Frito’s Honey BBQ Twisters.

  2. TR

    And they’re standing at NASCAR and kneeling at the NFL.

    • Jim Walker

      Check out Dale Jr’s (@dalejr) tweet from earlier this AM. RE: the right to “peaceful protest”.

  3. Jim Walker

    The Buckeyes thoroughly beat up on the 2nd in a string of chumps of the week and still fell in the rankings apparently because they didn’t beat up on the chumps quite enough to raise eyebrows.
    Their next “real” game (unless they get caught snoozing down thru the 4th string or so) isn’t until October 28th.
    On the other hand they found out they do have a QB on the roster who can throw the ball down field accurately should they get to the B1G championship game and need to blow somebody out by 50 points in that match up.

  4. Jim Walker

    I’m wonder if José Mourinho could coach US football? His personality and antics seem to be largely wasted in the Premier League.

  5. Eric

    Correct: Luge does not exist. Skeleton, though? Totally exists. I think I invented it, actually, during the Blizzard of ’78 in my old neighborhood off Turkeyfoot Road in Erlanger. Good times.

    Thank you SO much for the laughs on a Monday. Six games to go…

  6. lwblogger2

    Football… Um, no, not gonna happen.

    FC Cincinnati… Haven’t been to a game yet and not sure why not.

    Hockey … We will be at opening night for the Cyclones and to see your choir sing! We have a 12 game package again this year. The Blue Jackets also start in 12 days I believe. Potential for an exciting season there.

    Figure Skating… Lovely but not my thing

    SAY Soccer… My daughter plays SAY. Usually a good time unless the weather stinks.

    NASCAR… Doesn’t do much for me. I don’t fit with the NASCAR crowd at all either.

    Kings Island… Haven’t been in years but probably should during Halloween. Could be fun for me, my girlfriend, and my daughter.

    Yoga… You and me both Mary Beth. I eat way too many coneys and drink way too much beer to ever want to look in a mirror that long… Maybe I could tried Yoga with my eyes closed?

    Luge… High speed sled riding… It’s a crazy sport. Not sure where one could watch it outside of the Olympics though.

    Baseball… Yes, 6 more regular season games but some interesting post-season posibilities for those who love baseball beyond just our Reds. I want the Nats and Tribe in the World Series. I would be happy with either of those teams doing it. The Nats for Dusty and I just like the Indians, Cleveland, and Lindor!