Thank you for your interest in KnowYourPlace Athletic Wear, where we pride ourselves on lecturing the entire world with a side of $49.99 sports bras. Here at KnowYourPlace Athletic Wear, we’re always recruiting new talent who regards themselves as superior to our potential customers. If you’re pretentious, disapproving, and imbue all public communication with the affectation of virtue, we want to hear from you!
Think you’ve got the smarm to join our team? Take the quiz below. Should you experience doubt as to the convictions you’ve formed while viewing celebrity Twitter feeds and amazing Instagram videos, please disqualify yourself immediately. Remember, KnowYourPlace Athletic Wear knows your place better than everyone—after all, we manufacture jock straps and really long socks.
1) Do you enjoy telling others how to think in all possible circumstances?
a. Wait, aren’t you an athletic–
b.No. I don’t enjoy undertaking this important responsibility, but, alas, I must.
2) If you notice someone thinking Unapproved Thoughts, what should you do?
a. Um. I just want to sell sneakers. Should you really be–
b. Cobble together a super-sharable graphic to DESTROY him and publish the home address of the offender in a high-traffic media location. That’s the only way to make America less obese.
3) How should you respond to those who object that injecting politics into unrelated advertising is unnecessarily divisive?
a. “That’s an interesting topic we should probably discu—“
b. “I thought I told you to shut up.”
4) Do you enjoy sports?
a. Oh yes! I have a degree in sports marketing.
b. Sports aren’t what’s important here. There’s shaming for our sneaker company to do.
5) Complete the following sentence: “When the count is full with the bases loaded, you should…”
b. Complain, then tell the pitcher what to throw. After all, you’re morally superior to him and he should know this.
6) Encouraging our customers to pay attention to nutrition is vital because…
a. It helps them live longer and perform more with efficiency in any athletic endeavor.
b. There is no end to telling people what to do when it comes to food.
7) Women in sports should be portrayed as…
a. Powerful! Athletics are for everyone! It’s great when women work hard to become stronger!
b. Why are we still talking about sports when entire sentences are floating around out there which require disapproval?
8) When it comes to advertising to children, athletic wear companies should…
a. Portray an active lifestyle as fun and healthy.
b. Ensure that each 4-year-old knows the impact of bilateral agricultural trade agreements on the military-industrial complexes of postcolonial nations.
9) Why do you want to work for an athletic wear company?
a. I’m interested in fitness.
b. It is the sacred duty of all producers of sweatbands and moisture-wicking tee shirts to tell everyone else what to say and when to say it.
10) What’s the best way to gain new customers?
a. Produce high-quality goods at a reasonable price
b. Screeching, insulting, lecturing
Please submit your quiz only if your answers were all b. In the event any of your answers were a, do not under any circumstances work for us, purchase our products, or look directly at our shoes should you encounter them either in or out of the privacy of your home. KnowYourPlace! We do!