Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine.
1) Soul searching
“Have we honored Pete Rose enough? I mean really, really honored him? Have we sacrificed animals at the intersection of Mehring Way and Main? Do you think we can get Perez in for that? How can we tie this in as a promotional giveaway?”
What time is the game?
Oh, Arroyo is starting?
Well, never mind then.
3) Pet baby goats
They will only eat your hair a little.
4) Plan for the Future
Statistics inform us that the Reds will, at some point, win again. The most productive channel for your furor as you wait is to lash out at others. Find all other teams with better records than the Reds—I can offer my nephew’s collection of rising second-graders—and begin a trash-talking campaign for the ages. You will look like an idiot. You will therefore fit in with every person calling in to sports talk radio ever.
Sometimes rage is best shared.
6) Learn a New Skill
Last month I learned how to tip from an arm balance to a headstand in yoga. This will doubtless save many lives and mend the wounds of nations at war. I doubt you can best it. But you can try.
As you go, always remember to celebrate your accomplishments.
7) Soothing music
I once sent this link to a friend who was flying from Ohio to Australia. I figured this would get him at least as far as Fiji. At any rate, it surely guaranteed him a row to himself.
Set your audio devices to “auto reply” so that it rests after the ten hours. It’s less painful than watching the first inning of just about any starter at any time.
First, you need to become Catholic. This will take at least a year in order to figure out Mass parking patterns alone, but it’s worth it: Not only do Catholics have the best German sausage offerings and casual gambling options, we have prayers for anything, anytime, anywhere.
I suggest Prayer When In a Bad Mood.
9) Food Prep
I don’t like to cook nearly as much as I enjoy baking, and sometimes, I think, this expresses itself subconsciously, like the time I set a pot to boil water and walked away and then eventually wondered how the water was doing, which was a bad time to realize I forgot to add the water.
Eating well is a gift to your body and mind. If you can withstand nine innings of the 2017 Reds, you can master this.
10) Learn to Hate Every Single Person Alive
The fastest route to this is to open Twitter and scroll for about eleven seconds. My handle is @blondechampagne. See you there!
11) Drink Heavily
It’s important to remain hydrated while losing. Alcohol, however, should be avoided, as it costs $11.00 a pop at Great American Ball Park and you will need that money for bail while accomplishing Item Number 4.
My caffeine of choice is hot tea. It’s low-cal, it’s flavorful, it makes you look smart while holding it, and it makes for good flinging.