There is a well-known path to success colloquially known as “hopping on the gravy train.” Chris Bosh did it when LeBron James went to Miami. Kevin Durant did it when the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead. Every spinoff television series and movie sequel is basically the embodiment of the principle. Heck, even I do it whenever Cespedes Family BBQ announces any sort of big news, reposting this old article hoping that their audience will come to love me just as it loves them.
Now that I’ve established that I’m not above hopeless pandering in the vague pursuit of success, I’m going to hop on the gravy train once again and dedicate this week’s Regularly Scheduled Rain Delay to one REDS LEGEND Scooter Gennett (TM to Chad Dotson).
It’s not every day that a light-hitting second baseman with an endlessly endearing nickname sends four consecutive blasts out of the ballpark, so why not try and keep the party going for a full week?
This week thus brings back Choose Your Own Adventure to determine which of Scooter’s four home runs you most closely resemble. It doesn’t make sense now, but it will—trust me.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
The rules in bullet format if you have forgotten in the interim:
- Five questions
- Each answer worth a set number of points
- Results based on point totals at the very bottom of the article.
Scooter hit more home runs in one game then there are rules. Does his legend ever end?
— Matt Allaire (@AllaireMatt) June 7, 2017
Question 1: When will Zack Cozart’s hit streak end?
- Probably around 37 games. That seems reasonable. (1 point)
- Today, it’s gone on long enough already. (2 points)
- The moment he gets traded to a contender. Got to milk every last bit out of him, ya know? (3 points)
- Never, Zack Cozart should have his number retired immediately and a statue erected in his honor (4 points)
Question 2: Dogs are…
- Man’s best friend and the most lovable creatures in the world (1 point)
- Pretty annoying to be honest (2 points)
- Doesn’t it depend on the type of dog? (3 points)
- Kind of dopey, kind of stupid, but endlessly better than cats (4 points)
Question 3: You’ve been following both the Stanley Cup and the NBA Finals despite your lack of passion for either sport. Who do you cheer for?
- The Penguins because even though they have no personality, Sidney Crosby is the best and you appreciate that. (1 point)
- The Cavs because LeBron, and Cleveland, deserve a bit of sustained success. (2 points)
- The Predators because they’re the underdog and Nashville seems fun. (3 points)
- The Warriors because there’s just no feeling quite like world domination. (4 points)
Question 4: What’s going to happen when Nick Senzel can play in the big leagues?
- The Reds will trade Eugenio Suarez, simple enough (1 point)
- Either Senzel or Suarez will take over short with Zack Cozart gone (2 points)
- Wes, do you really think Senzel will beat out Suarez and Peraza and Herrera? (3 points)
- That’s like a year and a half away, why exactly are you asking? Is he on your fantasy team? (4 points) (Yes, yes he is.)
Question 5: The Reds Community Fund auctioned off a lunch with Billy Hamilton and Scooter. Which two Reds would you most like to get lunch with?
- Billy and Scooter (1 point)
- Cozart and Joey Votto (2 points)
- Raisel Iglesias and Bronson Arroyo (3 points)
- Adam Duvall and Scott Schebler (4 points)
KANGAROO COURT FEES
It’s hard to fine anyone after sweeping the Cardinals; there’s just too much happiness to dwell on the maladies. So, instead of bringing a defendant in front of the judge, this week I will just leave this gif of Melky Cabrera hitting a baseball with a guitar for your enjoyment. The jeans and checked shirt bring it all together. Melky would cheer for the Predators, I’m sure of it.
— Cut4 (@Cut4) June 8, 2017
Fantasy Baseball: Now that I’ve given up on the season and focused on rebuilding, the scores week to week don’t matter as much anymore. So instead, I’ll update you on my rebuild.
Players I’ve traded:
- Michael Wacha
- Brian Dozier
- Jonathan Lucroy
- Ian Desmond
- Dallas Keuchel
- Eric Hosmer
- Mark Trumbo
Players I’ve received:
- Jacob Faria
- Austin Meadows
- Ozzie Albies
- Randal Grichuk
- Carson Fulmer
- Nick Senzel
- Ryon Healy
- Daniel Norris
- Dexter Fowler
- Rhys Hoskins
- Jack Flaherty
- Amir Garrett
- Chad Kuhl
- Cristian Arroyo
Give it a year. I’ll be barnstorming the league and taking home the championship in no time.
Authorial Views: BACK IN SIXTH BABY. THIS IS MY MOVE TO THE TOP. JUST YOU WATCH, I’M STORMING UP THE LEADERBOARDS NOW.
Choose Your Own Adventure answers:
4-8 points: You are Scooter’s first home run, a real grand slam of a person. Your swing is majestic, reminiscent of Ken Griffey Jr. back in the day even. It’s equal parts effortless and smooth, but cold to the touch all the same. You knock it out of the park but keep a mien of cold indifference. You’ve been here before.
9-12 points: You are Scooter’s second home run. A bit vicious on the upper cut, you overcommit, launching yourself full force into the task at hand. However, you stay true to your eventual goal, landing softly and successful on the batter’s eye grass.
13-16 points: You are Scooter’s third home run. You take risks and no one expects much out of you, but you find a creative approach to score. Well high and across the chest, not many hitters could knock you out of the park, but Scooter did. He improvised and went opposite field, a quirky little strategy that embodies your zaniness and zest for life.
17-20 points: You are Scooter’s final home run. You’ve got this game in the bag, but you want to show off a bit. You aren’t going to do anything flashy like launch the ball out of the stadium or take it opposite field; you just want to remind everyone why you’re the king. You’re devious, subtle, but a dinger all the same.