2017 Reds / Regularly Scheduled Rain Delay

Regularly Scheduled Rain Delay: Whatever Happened to?

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Sitcoms have been on my mind a fair amount of late, partially because I’ve been sick for about a week now and have nothing better to do and partially because of this Michael Baumann article comparing Ryan Howard to other players sharing a name with a character from The Office. Also, there was a fake Facebook account that said Friends was coming back (which is just truly rude) and who could ever forget this timeless video put out by the Giants last year?

Either I’m having another fever dream and this is all in my head or there’s something inextricably linking me, sitcoms, and baseball. (It’s probably the former to be quite frank.)

Anyway, it all got me thinking: who on the Reds would fit a conventional sitcom stereotype? Yes, there are the Major League movies and Eastbound and Down that sort of dive into this question, but I’m not looking for the absurd, just some wholesome family fun. Who is the Reds paleontologist? Who’s the uncle who randomly shows up but is automatically cooler than anyone else in the show? Whatever happened to predictability and why are the Reds so close to first place in the division?

The only explanation is TV magic I guess (or maybe it’s the lineup).

STOCK CHARACTERS 

Slightly dumber friend who’s a bit of a womanizer but really has a heart of gold (e.g. Joey from Friends or Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I think Adam Duvall looks a lot like Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

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Maybe it’s the weird facial hair, I’m not really sure, but at least in this instance I know that Duvall fits Mac’s aesthetic. Is there anything more womanizing than hitting a ton of home runs? I mean, “chicks dig the long ball.” No one expected anything out of Duvall when he came over from the Giants, and yet look at him now: The lovable outfielder who defied all the odds. No one thought Mac would still be alive after 12 seasons, much less thriving. And can’t you just see Duvall with a slight smile, coyly saying “How you doing?” The match is almost too perfect, resemblance or not.

Neighbor who causes a ruckus whenever they appear and annoys all the main characters but they love anyway (e.g. Kimmy from Full House or Urkel from Family Matters)

This character has to be Billy Hamilton, and I will be the first to admit that it’s mostly his voice driving this decision, but can you really blame me? Billy is also the team prankster, so he gets added points for jokability here. Just imagine, Billy leaping against the wall to rob a sure double in the gap that no other center fielder could even fathom reaching and popping up with a shrug, a smile, and a “Did I do that?”

The one smart person in the entire show who just cannot believe the mess everyone else makes but takes care of them anyway (e.g. Monica from Friends or Jim from The Office)

So “smart” is a bit of stretch here and should probably be replaced with consistently competent, but sitcoms usually operate in black and white kinds of binaries. Joey Votto plays this role perfectly, maintaining his position as the one Red the team has been able to count on year in and year out. Votto, despite going through hot flashes and cold spurts, is the engine of this team. He’s the one winking at the camera after Jesse Winker gets his first big league hit and the one described as a “control freak” and a “den mother.”

The cool uncle (e.g. Jesse from Full House)

Jay Bruce, once a Red, forever a Red, and never turned away when he decides to roll back through town once every year. Bruce always carried a bit more of the genial cool guy vibe when he was with the Reds, but now that he’s gone, his legend has grown tenfold.

Even the Mets are starting to catch on, which, you know, isn’t usually their strong suit.

The funny uncle (e.g. Joey from Full House or Frank from Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Maybe it’s Bronson Arroyo’s age or the fact that he once kept his hair in cornrows, but he’s never felt like the cool uncle he’s tried so hard to be. Arroyo can do another hundred JTM guitar spots, let his hair grow well past shoulder length,  or find a way to patent his signature leg kick; it won’t ever make him less goofy. Tell me that Bronson has never done the “cut it out” bit in his life. All the home runs he’s given up, it’s had to have happened once or twice.

The pair that will inevitably fall in love and breakup a million times before making a decision one way or the other in the penultimate season before switching that decision in the actual last season (e.g. Ross and Rachel from Friends, (kind of) Jim and Pam from The Office)

Michael Lorenzen and the starting rotation. No, it doesn’t feel good to type that, and yes, we have seen this episode before, but the will they or won’t they aspect of Lorenzen’s flirtations are too much to handle. How many times can he profess his love before the rotation loves him back? To what ends must he go to crack that hallowed five? When will Bryan Price stop being that nagging third wheel and just let the true love happen? Maybe it’s just not meant to be, but there are many seasons yet to come.

KANGAROO COURT FEES

Surprisingly, for the first time all season, Reds’ management finds itself in the defendant’s chair of the Kangaroo Court. The long wait has been in part due to the Reds overachieving and in part to Bryan Price’s recent resurgence in how he’s used his bullpen, but the starting pitching debacle of late has come to be too much.

Offenses: Sending Amir Garrett down for the purposes of service time, which is a truly annoying cost-saving move that I hate on the basis of wanting young people to succeed, and like Steve says above, starting older pitchers in place of your stable of young guys.

Fines: Recognizing that many of the young guys are on the disabled list or not quite performing up to snuff, we’ll ignore the second offense. However, the front office isn’t getting off that easy on Garrett’s demotion. As punishment, every member of the front office must ride to the next away series in the style of minor league bussing a la 1950. No first class comforts, no quick jet planes, no legroom. The front office needs to understand more personally what these demotions can feel like.

SCOUTING REPORT

Fantasy Baseball: The team is chugging right along with a resounding 568-461 win over the worst team in the league. Zack Cozart has been the engine for my offense, despite my grabbing him off the waiver wire literally two days before the season began. Trade bait x2?

Authorial Views: Maintaining eight place for now, but in striking distance of Jim Walker. Nick Carrington is lurking on the horizon. Is this the point in the season where the section begins to take a negative toll on my dignity? Absolutely not. I’m the Dion Waiters of Redleg Nation, irrationally confident until the bitter end or when Pat Riley picks me up and I finally pass Chad for first.

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12 thoughts on “Regularly Scheduled Rain Delay: Whatever Happened to?

  1. Wesley it’s clear that a) I don’t watch enough sitcoms to truly appreciate the subtleties of this post, b) you need to get well soon, c) you need to add The Big Bang Theory to your own sitcom starting rotation. It’s the only one I watch but even if you’re more a Friends or Office or IASIP guy TBBT needs to be in your starting rotation. Trust me on this. Go Reds!

  2. Can we stop discussing sending Garrett down. Can you imagine what the outcry would be if he would leave 1 year earlier because we didn’t send him down for 12 days in rebuilding year?

    Its 100% the right call.

    • amen! The team is performing well about expectations and yet peeps are complaining left and rigth about how the organization is managing the pitching staff. If you ask me they are making all the right moves to keep this team competitive for the forseeable future.

      • Its the everlasting need to complain, that I thought this site was above. Its why I come her.

    • I mean I’m complaining about it more from the generally not being a jerk perspective. Yeah it’s going to hurt the Reds if Garrett can walk a year early, but I’d kind of like young people to get paid for the work that they’ve done and not have to worry about getting injured for another year.

      • I get what you are saying, but what I think this site does better than any other site that I visit is keeps thing in prospective. Yea it sucks for Amir, but its in the CBA. So as writers of this site pushing the correct narrative that we want Amir when are are supposed to be good for another year is better than two starts this year when we are supposed to be rebuilding.

        Let Paul D complain about that and be short sighted.

        • You (and many) are completely dismissing the potential downsides, though.

          Like, pissing off every good prospect you have is generally bad business. That is why every MLB team does NOT do this to every good prospect. Sometimes they do, but not all the time.

          You can run into draft signability issues… you can have trouble getting players to take early, team-friendly extensions, etc.

          As in any business, the best bottom-line decision is not always a clear best decision if has potential unforeseen impacts on your human resources.

          • Absolutely agree with this too.

            But I guess its a calculated and the correct risk to take for a small market team.

            I am not trying to complain at all. I am just trying to point out that the outcry in the future would be so much more severe if we had to trade him cause we couldn’t sign him one year early.

  3. BHam as Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. “More power, grunt, grunt, grunt, grunt.”
    Joey Votto as his assistant Al Borland, who knows how to use the tools. “I don’t think so Tim.”

  4. Ummm I am going to click on your stories one thousand times a day. Why you ask? Because you worked this gem into your post “I’m the Dion Waiters of Redleg Nation, irrationally confident until the bitter end”

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