2017 Reds / Humor

Bronson Arroyo should invest in Siri

Remember when Steve Jobs invented the iPhone and then invented Siri and then uninvented the idea of a personal assistant because he had already invented the iPhone and Siri? Well, Bronson Arroyo clearly didn’t know anything about that, because he made the highly questionable to decision to hire a living, breathing personal assistant and as a result, he had his boat stolen.

I doubt Siri can steal boats.

From the Miami Herald in October 2015:

“Soon, [Anthony] Acosta took off with the boat, transporting it to the Concept Boats yard in Opa-locka. He then sold the vessel, missing two engines, to the father of the yard’s owner for $22,000, providing a phony bill of sale complete with a forged signature from Arroyo — who knew nothing of the sale and was playing in Cincinnati at the time.”

Acosta, Bronson’s former personal assistant and childhood friend, stole Arroyo’s boat, Nasty Hook; sold it for 1/8 of its true price; and earned the descriptor of “everything he touched turned into chaos” from Arroyo. For all of that, Acosta will spend six months in jail, we learned this week.

So, obviously, there’s a lot to break down here. Let’s wish Bronson a very happy 40th birthday, and dig into the pressing questions posed by the Nasty Hook Heist.

1. How do I make everything I touch turn into chaos?

2. How do you lose two boat engines in a heist?

3. Was this forgery an actual forgery, or did he just write Bronson’s name and no one knew what Bronson’s handwriting looked like so they all just shrugged and were like ‘seems legit’? If that is the case, would anyone question my Bronson Arroyo signed ball forgeries?

4. Why is a city named Opa-locka?

5. How did it take over a year for anyone to figure out that Arroyo’s boat had been stolen?

6. Nasty Hook is not a good boat name. (Not a question, just an objective fact.)

7. Why do people continue to hire childhood friends?

8. How many iPhones could you buy with the $140,000 difference between the boat’s value and what Acosta sold it for? (165 if you want the fancy one.)

9. Do we exist in some alternate timeline where six months is actually equal to like three years because how do you steal a boat, forge a signature, and resell the boat and basically get a slap on the wrist?

10. Was Dusty Baker involved?

11. I’m selling some Bronson Arroyo signed memorabilia, let me know in the comments if you’re interested in purchasing.

12. What is the Nasty Hook to JTM sandwich conversion ratio? One engine for every three commercial spots?

13. Did Bronson Arroyo ever actually have a nasty hook or were we all just fooled by his arm slots?

14. Which moves faster, Nasty Hook or Arroyo’s fastball?

None of these questions will ever be answered I’m sure (except the ones I answered immediately, you’re welcome), but that doesn’t make them any less pressing. The future of Bronson’s boats rests upon these inquiries. Or his investment in an iPhone. Seriously, Siri makes life so much easier. And only like 20 percent of what Siri touches turns into chaos. She would at least sell the boat for 100K. Siri is all about profit margins. Steve Jobs would be proud.

9 thoughts on “Bronson Arroyo should invest in Siri

  1. I don’t believe that it’s an objective fact that Nasty Hook is not a good boat name.

    Though as a Reds fan I would prefer Captain Hook.

  2. It wasn’t the Nasty Hook that was stolen. It was a smaller speed boat. He knew the boat was stolen when it happened. The media didn’t. Acosta took a plea bargain.

  3. If his experience is anything like mine, it would go like this:

    Q: “Siri, show me the location of ‘Nasty Hook'”
    A: Did you say “Nestea Book”? I can’t find any information on “Nestea Book”

    Q: “No, Siri, I want you to find my boat”
    A: Here’s what I found about goats [shows random collection of Search links about goats]

    Q: “Not goats, boats! Where’s my boat, Nasty Hook?”
    A: My name isn’t Nasty Hook, it’s Siri. What would you like to know?

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