2017 Reds / Humor

Keys to the Season

Spring training is upon us, Redleg fans! Sure, last year was rough, but this year things could be different. They just need a few breaks! Here are the 7 things that will really determine if this is the year the Reds will contend again.

  1. The 25th man on the benchIt’s true!!! This player is going to get 75-100 at bats. Maybe more than that! That’s more at bats than the 26th guy, who will be hanging out in Triple-A, where he won’t be getting anything other than Delino DeShields’ coffee.
  2. Bronson Arroyo’s hair style – Why do you think he was so good back in the day when he was throwing slop up there all the time? It was those lovely locks. If Arroyo can hit on the right hair length, it doesn’t matter if he leaves his bionic elbow in the hotel room, opposing hitters will be too busy staring enviously at his noggin to pay attention to the softly lobbed “fastballs” from the aging hurler.
  3. The batting order – THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AND WE MUST ALL BARRAGE C. TRENT ROSECRANS WITH TWITTER COMPLAINTS UNTIL HE BATS HIS BATTERS IN THE SABERMETRICALLY CORRECT WAY OR THE REDS WILL BE BAD FOREVER THE END.
  4. The last man in the bullpen – Listen to me. This is almost as important as number one up there. I mean, we’re talking about what? 25 or 30 innings pitched when the Reds are in a worse pickle than someone trying to have a conversation with Chadwick Quincy Dotson while ignoring his accent. Did you know that if you tease old Q-bert about voice inflections that he can have you banned from GABP from November-March? It’s true. Don’t you cross him. Anyway, those innings are vital. VITAL I TELL YOU!!!
  5. Corndogs – GABP does not serve corndogs. No it does not. I haven’t done any research into the matter but it seemed to me impossible that a team could ever have won the World Series without serving corndogs to their erstwhile fans.
  6. Spring Training record – If there’s one thing I know, it’s that how your not-in-shape-yet Double-A players do against their not-in-shape-yet Double-A players tells you all you need to know about who’s going to have a parade at the end of the year.
  7. Dick Williams’ Dancin’ Shoes – We’ve all been talking about how interested we are to see all the moves Dick can make. Well guess what? He’s been gyratin’ all over the place this offseason. maybe we can all chip in and get him brand new shiny, shiny shoes so he can make the moves he needs to make. If things go right, he’ll dance us all the way to the World Series!!!

22 thoughts on “Keys to the Season

  1. One more move for GM Dick Williams. To put the captain’s “C” on Joey Votto’s 2017 Reds jersey.

  2. 8. Milton rears his ugly head less than 5 times.
    9. (Insert player name’s) batting average with runners in scoring position.
    10. (Insert player’s name) number of times grounding into a double play.
    11. (Insert player’s name) getting a start because he had 3 hits off that night’s starting pitcher five years ago.
    11. The Red’s record in extra inning games.
    12. If we can make it the whole season without a single game recap where Chad declares ‘that’s it, I can’t take it, I’m done.’

    • Why don’t we just have a Milton day here, give him his due, bios, stats, WAR on Milton, and get it out of the way by the end of March. One thread, all Milton. Milton’s greatest games, highlights

      Kind of like Joe boo moving on from rum to hats for bats.

      Shoot, I don’t care, I want to win this year so bring on the chicken.

      Let’s just get Milton to make an appearance here in this blog prior to April and then we do not have to see him for the rest of the year.

      No? well i guess we are back to the rum and hope then…

    • “11. (Insert player’s name) getting a start because he had 3 hits off that night’s starting pitcher five years ago.”

      Very nice, Sultan

  3. Votto needs X amount more RBI than he has now in order for the Reds to be a contender. The current level is too low and he takes too many walks.

  4. If Brandon Phillips has at least 3 game winning rbi’s and hits .300 after the 7th inning.

  5. – Trade for another middle infielder, you can never have too many!
    – Push Homer into the rotation whether he’s ready or not. Also, if he can’t throw 50 strikes by sundown each night he doesn’t get any dinner.

  6. 1. If only that overpaid Votto guy would get traded
    2. If we could trade Bailey
    3. Oh, yeah, and trade Mesoraco!

    They all make way too much money. Just trade them and add 15 wins.

    • And get rid of the scouts. All they do is sit around and watch baseball games

      What a waste of money, right Marge?

      • Dang skippy! Can’t believe they get paid to just sit around and watch baseball!

  7. Free bench help available. The D-backs DFA’d Phil Gosselin yesterday. The Reds have the first chance to put in a waiver claim. Gosselin is a RH hitter and can play any INF or OF position. He is a good hitter and a pretty good defender. He and Jennings, if that signing ever becomes official, will improve the bench significantly. And a RH bat that GM Dick Williams was looking for.
    This would be a good pick up.

    • can he catch? it looks like they’ll carry three catchers with the uncertainty of Mas…that kind of takes out the 25th position. I hope not, just saying…

  8. They need to make a sabermetric stat that measures grittiness and hard nosed play. How much war does grittiness provide! I can hear the corn dog guy now. Git ya fresh roasted corn dog’s heaaaar!

  9. Bottom line, I believe it’s going to come down to pitching. Offensively, looking at a couple of stats real quick, we were pretty much average for the NL. But, pitching-wise, we simply sucked. I remember looking at one time last year our bullpen was last in the league in ERA by almost 2 RUNS. Our young pitching studs had plenty of work last season. Now’s the season we “at minimum” need to decide who is it going to be?

    I’m really not worried too much about the batting order, who plays in the field, etc., at least as for the “keys to the season”. As far as that goes, I’m just wondering about pitching.

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