Let’s just have games consisting entirely of Billy Hamilton running around the bases. Everybody else can kick back with some Big League Chew, watch the show, have some kettlecorn.

Game two of three between the hapless Reds (35-58)and the haplessler Braves (32-61.)

THE FAN MISERY INDEX

…may be measured in MOB (Movement of Bobbleheads.)

Much as there was to enjoy in my work at the Reds Hall of Fame, one of the reasons I stepped away is my utter inability to process without curling into a ball nights at the ball park which called forth Bobblehead People. Bobblehead People aren’t normal fans who skip happily away from the seventh inning stretch with their delightful add-on consisting of a terrifying plastic likeness of Ron Oester. A Bobblehead Person–and this guy actually exists–drags plastic tubs to the plaza between GAPB and Riverfront Coliseum (BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED), stands one inch off ball park property so security can’t touch him, and bribes small children with tickets to the game to enter the gate, grab a bobblehead, bring it back to him, and repeat.

Once Bobblehead People were done elbowing aside five year olds for their poorly painted products of China which with luck might be worth $14.95 by 2027, they’d come see me at the Wheel of Fame outside the side exit of the HOF. The Wheel of Fame consisted of said wheel, a donation to the museum, and a large sign 51uaW3V3oPL._SY445_proclaiming that wherever the wheel stopped, that is what you would walk away holding. Sometimes it was an Eric Davis instructional DVD, currently available on Amazon for the low, low price of $5.99. Sometimes it was a Chapman bobblehead. Sometimes it was Official Cincinnati Reds Hall of Fame and Museum Hand Sanitizer.

For the most part, I cheerfully spun away with little kids who wanted to know who Eric Davis was and what he had to say about hitting, or clumps of drunken businessmen who hung around spinning until they all walked away with tiny replica statues of Johnny Bench, then rode triumphantly up the escalator behind me, hoisting their spoils in the air and shouting, “JOHNNY BENCH!!”

And then there were the Bobblehead People, who, denied of their divine right of the large-headed image of Jay Bruce, snatched away their very nice Hall of Fame Posters with many choice words and then did one or more of the following, none of which I am inventing:

  • Stalked me as I walked to the ladies room, demanding “what I paid for”
  • Hung back from the table, accosting veterans in wheelchairs and second graders who happened upon what they’d wanted, wheedling for a trade
  • Approached and re-approached the table between spinners, gearing up as though arguing before the Supreme Court that I should, really should, break the rules, just this once, for him/her, personally, because I should
  • Grabbed their money back out of the cash box

Boy did I love my job on bobblehead giveaway nights. By the end of last season, I enlisted my husband as a bodyguard, because when when I got married, it was with personal protection against Bobblehead People Bathroom Stalkers in mind.  Wrote it into the vows and everything.

Until this season, bobblehead  games always sold out and always saw people gathered in Crosley Terrace well before the gates opened, eager to hold in their hands a trembly version of Mat Latos’ tats.

You can imagine my lifted eyebrows, then, when my sister informed me that her entire family found themselves in possession of Zack Cozart bobbleheads… in July… on a Saturday night… after strolling into the ball park well after the gates opened.  And you know why? A greater number of Cincinnatians were in Clifton, preferring to watch a minor league soccer team getting beaten by, as my brother-in-law termed them, “eleven fourth-stringers wearing Crystal City jerseys.”

Thus, I bless you, Season of Ultimate Suck, for protecting my HOF brethren from the Bobblehead People. You’re good for something.

STARTING LINEUPS

REDS BRAVES
1. Zack Cozart (SS)
2. Billy Hamilton (CF)
3. Joey Votto (1B)
4. Jay Bruce (RF)
5. Adam Duvall (LF)
6. Brandon Phillips (2B)
7. Eugenio Suarez (3B)
8. Ramon Cabrera (C)
9. Cody Reed (P)
1. Gordon Beckham (2B)
2. Adonis Garcia (3B)
3. Freddie Freeman (1B)
4. Nick Markakis (RF)
5. Jeff Francoeur (LF)
6. Ender Inciarte (CF)
7. Anthony Recker (C)
8. Erick Aybar (SS)
9. Tyrell Jenkins (P)

STARTING PITCHERS

ERA IP SO WHIP DOES HE EXIST AS A BOBBLEHEAD?
Tyrell Jenkins 4.50 14 7 1.64 No, but the Braves recently ran a promotion featuring Chipper Jones rescuing Freedie Freeman on a 4-wheeler, so they’ve got that going for them
Cody Reed 8.39 24.2 29 1.86 sigh

A THING FROM TWITTER

Career goals.

NICE NEIGHBORS

Good for you, Florence Freedom.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

And just in case anyone out there misses Thom:  Find solace in the fact that he, too, has been gloriously immortalized.

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55 Responses

  1. another bob in nc

    Another day without Jose Peraza sighting.

    • reaganspad

      And Phillips can barely play, was pinch hit for last night (by DeJesus of course)

      On a team that is 35-58, you would think that we are playing for a pennant.

      Sit Brandon Phillips already

  2. Whoa Bundy!

    Excellent story about bobble head night! Funny and scary.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      COME TO THE REDS HALL OF FAME AND MUSEUM AND SEE HUMANITY AT ITS WORST AT THE WHEEL

      • Mary Beth Ellis

        Kids should have a front-row seat. “Behold the rigors of cruel life, children.”

  3. Brian

    I am a bobble head collector. I don’t get to every bobble head game. I have spun the wheel a few times. I always give away any that I already have to a kid standing in line at the wheel. I spin to I get the one I need.I figure it’s a win win. Hall gets money and I add to my collection. I have 111 different ones. 110 Reds and a Buck Showalter I got at a Reds-Os game a few years back. I knew you I had saw you somewhere Mary. I just couldn’t place where. I promise that I didn’t do anything like follow you to restroom. I did have men trying to trade or buy the ones I landed on though. I never saw them try to trade with kids that day.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      You’re one of the good ones, Brian. You’re not a Bobblehead Person. You’re a normal human being. Thank you for not following me to bathroom 🙂

  4. preacherj

    Do those Brennaman bobbleheads spew, or just…..bobble?

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      The Thom one should have a button to push which lets out an uninterrupted stream of obviousness and irrelevancy for nine straight innings.

      • BigRedMike

        Great summation of a telecast lead by Thom.

      • Mary Beth Ellis

        He’s quite inspiring in that respect.

  5. preacherj

    I love Joey forcing a walk there. Make the newbie throw some pitches.

  6. Whoa Bundy!

    Wow, a Duvall walk too.

    Billy is swinging a good bat

  7. Mack Ashley Potter (@cnichols8800)

    Couple of nice plays from JV & Duvall to open 2nite’s Titanic Struggle.
    It’s time for Cody Reed to have a good start. The stars are definitely aligned.
    (1) He has enough starts under his belt to where the “rookie jitters” should no longer be a factor, (2) He is facing the Braves who are more terrible than the Reds (3) Atlanta’s best hitters are lefties, and (4) He’s at Home.

    As the Buemont Bomber plays long ball, It’s also time to trade him while his stock is SKY HIGH and time for our Redlegs to quit messin around and get serious about this re-build and pull off a minor league blockbuster deal. Never thought I would say it…but we have too many young arms in the system vs good young position players. Acquiring Duvall for Leake, drafting Senzel, trading for Peraza, etc, was a good start. But they need to package a couple of arms not named Stephenson, Reed, Iggy, Garrett, or Finnegan, and trade for another big name position player in someone’s system. I’d hate to give up Rookie Davis, but he and John Lamb for example could bring back a very nice prize.

  8. Scotlykins

    Reed is getting hi hard. Just at people thus far.

    • preacherj

      Looks like hes overthrowing everything

  9. preacherj

    16th error for Suarez. Hes working on becoming a DH for the Blue jays

  10. preacherj

    Thats the defense we have come to know and hate……

  11. Mack Ashley Potter (@cnichols8800)

    @Brian

    If you just ask them before hand, they don’t care at all to just let you pick which bobblehead you want. You don’t have to actually take the bobblehead u land on. They are super nice. I’ve spun the wheel many times myself, and they always let me pick which ever bobble I want.

  12. Indy RedMan

    Reed needs a lot of work! The slider is not really a strike and they can see that usually so they just sit on the fastball. He needs a changeup and he needs to work in the slider that starts way outside and bends towards the outside corner. Its a dilemma because he can go back to AAA and do well (not great) with his current stuff but its rocket city with the Reds right now! I guess if his personality is tough enough then let him get beat up but I think I’d need some improvement shortly or I would worry about his confidence!

    Suarez needs to play 2b next year

    • Mack Ashley Potter (@cnichols8800)

      Yeah, Cody is a thrower right now. Gotta learn how to pitch in the big leagues. A good change up could be devastating for him. Also throwing that slider for a strike would go a long, long way.
      Time for the Reds to find a trade Phillips will agree to. Should have traded him last year when his stock was a lot higher. Be lucky to get a bag of popcorn for him right now. Suraez definitely needs to be our 2017 Opening Day 2nd baseman.

    • Chad Dotson

      Reed is young. I think he’ll be fine. Just gotta be patient.

      And I agree 100% about Suarez. I want to see him at 2B and Peraza at SS next year.

  13. renbutler

    That was cool.

    It was the 2nd half of the 2nd inning.
    The score was 2-2, with 2 outs.
    There was a runner on 2nd.
    There were 2 balls and 2 strikes.

    And the batter was Zack Cozart. Who, of course, wears #2.

    🙂

  14. Pooter

    Anyone have or know where to get hard hit ball data in game? I’m curious to know if Reed is being particularly hard tonight.

  15. preacherj

    That was a nice pitch to fan Bruce

  16. Shchi Cossack

    Moscot out for the season with TJ surgery…

  17. james garrett

    Good job by Reed tonight.Two unearned runs in 6 innings.Lets get a couple and get him a win.

  18. Indy RedMan

    Typical Reds baseball….give up some unearned runs. Then Lorenzen comes in and can throw 99 mph so he gets beat on a 85 mph hanger….probably for the game. Our turn up and Holt and Cozart get 4 balls a piece and its 2 up 2 down. Lack of talent is one thing but the baseball IQ is non-existent

  19. james garrett

    We are an offensive machine tonight.Four hits through 7 against minor league pitchers.

  20. james garrett

    Hopefully the front office sees the things INDY and the rest of us see on a nightly basis We are a team of hackers from the get go.A pitcher just needs to throw it in the direction of the plate and we swing and get ourselves out

    • Indy RedMan

      Someone on here said last month that Jesse Winker should bat leadoff for the Reds. I totally agree if they ever trade Jay! Winker is 2-4 tonite and up to .297. I’d also take Jermaine Curtis > Holt. Curtis’s obp is .409 at Lville! He’s been good all year (38 walks / 34 Ks). He deserves a shot and Peraza can be the backup OF’er

    • Old-school

      But Billy Hamilton won a game in the 9th inning Sunday…..and got some hits last night………..he’s our guy for 162 games…right???? forget his 0-4 tonight and his 3 year track record of offensive ineptitude….Billy got recharged at the break with a few days off….now the day to day grind is settling in…..and the .239/.288/..650 settles in for the next 2 months. throw in a 35 year old 2b and a reserve catcher and an increasingly questionable 3b….and an automatic out pitcher….and u have offensive ineptitude…..billy is a situational player….not an everyday offensive threat.

  21. james garrett

    I am all for building this team around guys that get on base.We can’t continue this swing at everything mentality because next year or surely in 2018 our pitching will be good enough to contend for a playoff spot but if we can’t score then its all for not.

  22. james garrett

    We had two hits and saw 11 pitches in the eighth inning.Votto saw 5 of them before he singled.Bruce took a ball and then hit into a DP,Duvall took a ball then singled and BP took a ball then made an out.Why wouldn’t somebody other then Votto take a strike?

  23. preacherj

    Drove the tying run in, and then commits a TOOTBLAN

  24. james garrett

    What a weird inning 4 hits on 12 pitches with Cosart thrown out at second trying to stretch and Hamilton picked off leaving Votto at the plate wondering what did I do to deserve this.

  25. james garrett

    OK lets get a run so we can then decide who made the biggest bonehead play in this titanic struggle

  26. preacherj

    Both teams living up to their respective records

  27. muttonlettucetomato

    You could vaguely make the argument that the TOOTBLANs in the 9th by Cozart and Billy cost the Reds the game tonight.