The Milwakuee Brewers look to continue the woes of both the Cincinnati Reds (15-32) players and their fans this weekend, as they start a three game series in the Battle Of Teams That Were Essentially Eliminated From Contention Before The Season Started with the Bad News Cincinnati Reds.
The coveted BOTTWEEFCBTSS trophy has been passed around to the first NL Central Central team to earn the status of “hopeless futility” each season, but the Reds seem to be breaking records in how quickly and with how much intensity they seem to have pursued this award.
“This is a team sport,” said Reds coach, Bryan Price, “and it’s taken all of us working together to make this level of … success … happen.” (not an actual quote)
Compounding this self-evident despair and misery, the Reds are currently mired in a 10 game losing streak which, according to many statisticians, has the potential to go on nearly as long and be nearly as frustrating as the current Democratic and political primaries that have left most of America dialing up their physicians in search of fresh Xanax prescriptions.
“The Brewers have not been very good this season,” says long-time Cincinnati Reds radio announcer Marty Brennaman, “but they look like the Big Red Machine compared to what’s coming out of our dugout each night.” (also not an actual quote)
Mr. Brennaman then kicked a midget, struck a match against the back of a baby seal, lit a $200 cigar and continued, “I’ll tell you something else,” he said, but our tape recorder mercifully “ran out of batteries.” (Mr. Brennaman has never, in this reporter’s knowledge, kicked anyone, midget or otherwise)
John Lamb goes out for the slaughter tonight with the memory of his four-inning appearance against the Brew Crew from early May, in which he sprained his thumb and gave up a homerun to the not-at-all-using-steroids-anymore Ryan Braun, fresh in his mind. Also fresh in his mind are the 11 runs he’s surrendered in just 10 innings over the last two games against the Indians and Mariners.
The Brewers counter with Rookie Zach Davis, who sports a higher ERA than John Lamb, and less wins as well. But he’s got a better FIP, better strikeout and walk rates, and a better-looking approach to facial hair as well, as he wins the award for “Starting pitcher who does NOT look like a backup guitarist for The Spin Doctors.”
The young Mr. Davis is still in search of his first major league win. Sources say he’s got a good chance of that happening tonight, especially once the Reds bullpen gets involved. Regardless, it looks to be an explosive offensive experience tonight at Miller Park.
If, at the end of the contest, neither team has scored many runs, expectations are that Reds and Brewers fans alike will begin the meaning of existence and their place in the universe. Should you find yourself in such a funk, please visit the complimentary Psychologist and Laffy-Taffy booth behind Gate 23.
- Zack Cozart (SS)
- Joey Votto (1B)
- Brandon Phillips (2B)
- Jay Bruce (RF)
- Adam Duvall (LF)
- Eugenio Suarez (3B)
- Billy Hamilton (CF)
- Ramon Cabrera (C)
- John Lamb (P)
Brewers lineup not available as of this writing.
On paper, the Reds and Brewers seem roughly equivalent. They aren’t great, but they aren’t exactly a dumpster fire, either. Unfortunately, the Reds, having mired themselves in the current 10 game losing streak, seem to be heading south faster than college kids at Spring Break.
It was roughly a year ago that the Reds went to Milwaukee and began a horrendous, 13 game losing streak, the longest since 1945. How nice would it be for them to match that streak with this series a mere 1 year later, and head into Colorado next week with a chance to exceed it?
Answer: It would not be nice at all.
We could read through all sorts of twitter posts and news feeds about the Reds and their current predicament, but the only thing we want right now is for the good guys to make it stop.
Please. Please make it stop.