The Reds (15-28) close out a three-game series with the Mariners (25-17) at 1:10 PM today. You have been warned.
Current losing streak: 7.
Number of liquor bottles at the bottom of my kitchen pantry: Rapidly diminishing in proportion to losing streak.
Today’s promotion at GABP is a bat and ball set for small children, presumably so they can start filling in around the sixth inning or so.
I want to thank Steve Mancuso for pinch-hitting for me on yesterday afternoon’s game thread. I was supposed to do it, and started to do it, and then all of a sudden the first pitch alert went off on my phone, and I felt ill and sat there staring at my unfinished game thread that was supposed to have posted two hours ago.
For a while, I couldn’t understand how I’d thought the game was later than it actually was, and after a lot of productive curling up in a little ball, I realized I was engaged in an advanced form of subconscious self-protection. I did not want to acknowledge this game was happening. I did not want to acknowledge this entire season was happening. The fact is that I pretty much always feel ill when the first pitch alert goes off, because that first pitch is usually immediately hammered over the center field wall by your nearest available Cub.
I mean, I knew this season would be bad, but I knew it would be bad in an abstract sense, in much the same way that I don’t need to actually put my leg in a shredder to know it would be somewhat painful. I did not expect the sports equivalent of showing up in a movie theater crying with joy and anticipation only to see Episode I: The Phantom Menace unspool before me. Because that’s what we’re living right now, people– 162 games of midichlorians and Jar Jar Binks.
PEOPLE WHO ARE SAD IN ADDITION TO REDS FANS
The following actual Reds:
COOKIN’ WITH MARY BETH
I saw this recipe the other day. It makes me sad. It is the saddest recipe in the history of 1.4 oz boxes of Jell-O Chocolate Fudge Flavor Sugar Free Fat Free Instant Pudding.
I cannot imagine sitting down to what you think is dessert and winding up instead with a mouthful of melted Cool Whip Lite diluted by fat-free milk and chocolate-flavored granules of cornstarch. And that is what this season is like. There’s baseball, right, and you’re excited there’s going to be baseball, and then… one giant quivering spoonful of the current version of Kevin Gregg.
In a cloud.
|1. Zack Cozart (SS)
2. Billy Hamilton (CF)
3. Joey Votto (1B)
4. Brandon Phillips (2B)
5. Jay Bruce (RF)
6. Eugenio Suarez (3B)
7. Adam Duvall (LF)
8. Ramon Cabrera (C)
9. Alfredo Simon (P)
|1. Leonys Martin (CF)
2. Nori Aoki (LF)
3. Robinson Cano (2B)
4. Nelson Cruz (RF)
5. Kyle Seager (3B)
6. Adam Lind (1B)
7. Steve Clevenger (C)
8. Shawn O’Malley (SS)
9. Wade Miley (P)
A THING FROM TWITTER
It’s occurred to me that the thing I post from Twitter in the game thread should probably be baseball-related, so here are Billy Hamilton’s shoes. Apparently a helpful pilot light of some sort is about to be “dropped.”
— Billy Hamilton (@BillyHamilton) May 21, 2016
I hate it when the sound people blast “DAY-O” at GABP for no apparent reason. How is this inspiring? Why is this necessary? It’s not and it’s not.
The kettlecorn, however, may stay.
Proud aunt Mary Beth Ellis is a freelance writer and college teacher who lives in Cincinnati, OH. Her home site, BlondeChampagne.com, has existed in at least some form since 2003, and Mary Beth has been a regular columnist with one publication or another from the age of 16. Her first book, Drink to the Lasses, was published in 2006. She currently teaches college, runs personal wine tastings, gives literary readings, and stares into the middle distance.