Hi, I’m Mary Beth, and I have a mathematical learning disability, and when I volunteered to write the game threads this weekend, I was not forewarned there would be math, so I’m going to make some math crap up and link to other math crap on Fangraphs.
Does anyone want to talk about the Indians series? Me neither. If it makes you feel any better, I have a lot of friends who are Indians fans, and the events of the Ohio Cup seem to have found them largely numb, as though, as a people, they have become so calloused against losing that they don’t entirely trust an actual, verifiable win. It’s as if a quail dropped dead within the confines of their winter fort and they’re all poking doubtfully at it with their spears and bayonets, fully suspecting there’s somehow an entire opposing army encased inside.
Fortunately, we Reds (15-26) fans have a three-game series against the Mariners (23-17) to look– I can’t say “forward to,” because nearly every single game is an exercise in watching the whole world disintegrate– so let’s just say “to look at.” LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE MARINERS SERIES, EVERYBODY, because they’re in first place in the AL West and we’re the team that just got swept by a Cleveland sports franchise.
Dan Straily starts for the Reds. It seems necessary to clarify that he’s starting for the Reds and not the Mariners because unless one of the Reds players is alternately growing and shaving off a terrifying beard while trolling the nearest available fan base, I’m not entirely sure who he is.
I feel I should offer you further detailed statistics about Mr. Straily. He is 27 years, 5 months, and 19 days old.
I was told to also discuss the Mariners’ pitcher. He is Hisashi Iwakuma and he makes 12 million dollars a year. Dan Straily makes .5 million. I teach college and make .00000000000001 million.
|1. Zack Cozart (SS)
2. Billy Hamilton (CF)
3. Joey Votto (1B)
4. Brandon Phillips (2B)
5. Jay Bruce (RF)
6. Eugenio Suarez (3B)
7. Adam Duvall (LF)
8. Tucker Barnhart (C)
9. Dan Straily (P)
|1. Ketel Marte (SS)
2. Seth Smith (LF)
3. Robinson Cano (2B)
4. Nelson Cruz (RF)
5. Kyle Seager (3B)
6. Adam Lind (1B)
7. Chris Iannetta (C)
8. Leonys Martin (CF)
9. Hisashi Iwakuma (P)
A THING FROM TWITTER
Most of the other game thread writers include tweets in their posts, so I will, too.
PUP Holder pic.twitter.com/2I9sFs5wOF
— Animals (@AnimaIposts) May 20, 2016
Last night I wanted to turn off the existential crisis that was the ballgame but the radio was across a room I’d just mopped and I was trapped in the horror. It was an important moment that taught me how dangerous cleaning is and that I should do less of it.
CONCLUDING THOUGHT TO THE CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Did you guys know that there was a Billy Hamilton who played for the Reds from 1888 – 1901, and if you’re not really careful, you can accidentally link his Fangraph stats to the current Billy Hamilton?
Proud aunt Mary Beth Ellis is a freelance writer and college teacher who lives in Cincinnati, OH. Her home site, BlondeChampagne.com, has existed in at least some form since 2003, and Mary Beth has been a regular columnist with one publication or another from the age of 16. Her first book, Drink to the Lasses, was published in 2006. She currently teaches college, runs personal wine tastings, gives literary readings, and stares into the middle distance.