Hi, I’m Mary Beth, and I have a mathematical learning disability, and when I volunteered to write the game threads this weekend, I was not forewarned there would be math, so I’m going to make some math crap up and link to other math crap on Fangraphs.

Does anyone want to talk about the Indians series? Me neither. If it makes you feel any better, I have a lot of friends who are Indians fans, and the events of the Ohio Cup seem to have found them largely numb, as though, as a people, they have become so calloused against losing that they don’t entirely trust an actual, verifiable win. It’s as if a quail dropped dead within the confines of their winter fort and they’re all poking doubtfully at it with their spears and bayonets, fully suspecting there’s somehow an entire opposing army encased inside.

Fortunately, we Reds (15-26) fans have a three-game series against the Mariners (23-17) to look– I can’t say “forward to,” because nearly every single game is an exercise in watching the whole world disintegrate– so let’s just say “to look at.”  LOOK AT IT.  LOOK AT THE MARINERS SERIES, EVERYBODY, because they’re in first place in the AL West and we’re the team that just got swept by a Cleveland sports franchise.


Dan Straily 3.05 1.210    1.1 0.3 5.8
Hisashi Iwakuma 4.38 1.399   0.9 0.4 6.4

Dan Straily starts for the Reds. It seems necessary to clarify that he’s starting for the Reds and not the Mariners because unless one of the Reds players is alternately growing and shaving off a terrifying beard while trolling the nearest available fan base, I’m not entirely sure who he is.

I feel I should offer you further detailed statistics about Mr. Straily. He is 27 years, 5 months, and 19 days old.

I was told to also discuss the Mariners’ pitcher. He is Hisashi Iwakuma and he makes 12 million dollars a year. Dan Straily makes .5 million. I teach college and make .00000000000001 million.


1. Zack Cozart (SS)
2. Billy Hamilton (CF)
3. Joey Votto (1B)
4. Brandon Phillips (2B)
5. Jay Bruce (RF)
6. Eugenio Suarez (3B)
7. Adam Duvall (LF)
8. Tucker Barnhart (C)
9. Dan Straily (P)
1. Ketel Marte (SS)
2. Seth Smith (LF)
3. Robinson Cano (2B)
4. Nelson Cruz (RF)
5. Kyle Seager (3B)
6. Adam Lind (1B)
7. Chris Iannetta (C)
8. Leonys Martin (CF)
9. Hisashi Iwakuma (P)


Most of the other game thread writers include tweets in their posts, so I will, too.


Last night I wanted to turn off the existential crisis that was the ballgame but the radio was across a room I’d just mopped and I was trapped in the horror.  It was an important moment that taught me how dangerous cleaning is and that I should do less of it.


Did you guys know that there was a Billy Hamilton who played for the Reds from 1888 – 1901, and if you’re not really careful, you can accidentally link his Fangraph stats to the current Billy Hamilton?

Proud aunt Mary Beth Ellis is a freelance writer and college teacher who lives in Cincinnati, OH. Her home site, BlondeChampagne.com, has existed in at least some form since 2003, and Mary Beth has been a regular columnist with one publication or another from the age of 16. Her first book, Drink to the Lasses, was published in 2006. She currently teaches college, runs personal wine tastings, gives literary readings, and stares into the middle distance.

Join the conversation! 88 Comments

  1. The Reds will not lose tonight. Neither will they win. This game is going to get rained out. I’m looking for every positive I can find.

    Speaking of math, when I asked my three-year-old how much 3+3 is, he says “potato!”

    And what is a “Ben Franklin bullpen”?

    • I like the way your three year old thinks. Anything that results in a potato instead of more math is good.

  2. Love the pup holder! Go, Reds!

    • Thanks. We’re all just desperately clinging to whatever joy we can have in the world at this point.

  3. Mary Beth, you’re not related by any chance to Deron Ellis?

  4. 7:55 p.m. est time first pitch

  5. Every morning after a game like yesterday, the day before, or the day before, or the day before, I pinch myself and say, “good, the nightmare is over”. Nope, because (insert poor or down on his luck bullpen pitcher here) will throw a fart down the strike zone and then the Reds will go in what feels like an instant from up 1-3 runs to down 3-4. Only so many times I can pinch my arm for I realize this is an Inception level nightmare I’ll never escape.

    • The best Tweet I’ve seen on this situation is “Don’t worry, everybody. Here comes the bullpen!”

      It’s funny because the bullpen ruins everything.

  6. Steve Selsky finally got his call up to the show!!

    Cincinnati Reds placed RHP Tim Adleman on the 15-day disabled list. strained left oblique
    Cincinnati Reds sent Drew Hayes outright to Louisville Bats.
    Cincinnati Reds selected the contract of Steve Selsky from Louisville Bats.

    • Hopefully that will soon mean that Pacheco will finally be DFA’d.

  7. Moscot has given up 4hrs in 3.1 innings so far for Louisville tonight

  8. As reported by Sheldon…

    • DeSclafani threw the equivalent of three innings with 45 pitches on Friday afternoon with his next step a rehab assignment consisting of 3 starts to get stretched out bwefore being activated.

    • Pitcher Michael Lorenzen (right elbow and mononucleosis) was scheduled to throw a 40-pitch bullpen on Friday in Goodyear, Ariz. Lorenzen has already had two previous sessions working from the mound.

    • Pitcher Raisel Iglesias (right shoulder) long-tossed from 90 feet on Thursday without issue and played catch again on Friday.

    • The long-toss throwing for pitcher Homer Bailey (Tommy John surgery rehab) reached 140 feet on Thursday, without complications.

  9. Lance McAlister talked about the Bruce extension post for about 15 minutes during the WLW rain delay broadcast. It was good to hear Redleg Nation mentioned on the Reds broadcast.

  10. I don’t think Billy hatcher has any concept of distance.

  11. Is everyone for or against inter league play?

    • Against. It’s not as bad as the DH, because the DH messes up the strategy of the game. I do believe that if they insist on having interleague, they should do the DH in the NL parks and have the pitchers hit in the AL parks.

  12. All-Star Cozart !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. Votto has had some bad luck this year with babip, 90 points under his career average.

  14. 103 pitches with 1 out in the fifth inning. cue the bullpen activity.

  15. I’m late to the party, but Mary Beth, that was a fantastic write-up. The horrors of mopping is why God invented brown floors.

  16. Some play by Billy Hamilton. Run prevention, baby.

  17. Where doubles go to die

  18. Straily through six innings. An outstanding start by criteria of this pitching staff. Now it’s up to the bullpen. Hold on …

  19. Straily has been right on and now it’s the dangerous sixth.

  20. THAT is why you need Billy in the lineup

  21. I. Have. Scene. This. Show. Before.

    • If I were skyline chili, I don’t think I’d want to sponsor that “call to the bullpen” he Perhaps they should get a company that sells firewood. Or flamethrowers.

      • Good call on skyline. It’s like when I was asked tonight by the waiter at the Mexican restaurant “did the food come out alright”. I said “I haven’t had a chance to find out yet.”

  22. I don’t care who is down in AAA. Dump this guy NOW.

  23. Amazing

  24. Wood has no idea where the ball is going. NONE

  25. Isn’t Wood the one who walked in 3 or runs with the bases loaded the other night as well?

  26. DFA Wood now. I guarantee no one claims him.

  27. And less there’s a triple play on this next pitch I’m going to bed

  28. Of course.

  29. Really?

  30. And another Reds pitcher who has no idea where the ball is going. NONE. NEVER. But. he has options. Ted Power fixes them and they come back here and forget everything he taught them. I think Ted Power deserves to be in Cincinnati.

  31. And we got bullpenned again … No fancy math needed here.

  32. This is just so sad. I’m not sure when I’ve seen the Reds with a bullpen this bad in the last 45 years of watching. Just disheartening.

  33. And the beat goes on.

  34. There is no excuse for having these dregs on this team. If your are going to lose. Lose with the kids.

  35. I didn’t even clean this time.

  36. I don’t understand why people think that Ted Power is blameless

  37. Oh, I forgot. It’s about next years draft picks.

  38. Votto, clutch when it matters. Oh wait? Would have been better to let Hamilton steal 2nd base and make them walk Votto intentionally.

  39. And another Reds pitcher who could’t find home plate with a map.

  40. Wow, Bruce sure looks like he should have caught that fly ball on the top of the 8th.

  41. And when they accidentally get one over it;s crushed. Surprise.

  42. What do you think about your teams execution?

    I’m in favor of it!

    I’ll be glad to see Tony Disco, Lorenzen, Reed, Bob Steve, etc. but it could be sort of cool in a perverse way to set all time records of bad that can never be broken? These guys would do it without any doubt in my mind. They may do it anyway when some of our guys get back. Its hard to replace 7 guys in midseason?

  43. Ramerez and Wood should both be released. Yesterday

  44. Todd Coffey is pitching in Mexico….Kenny Powers style! I think? Someone give the big man a call!!

  45. Actually Todd Coffey is with the Long Island Ducks…..which is what Reds fans do in GABP when our bullpen isn’t walking people

  46. MLB is changing the strike zone?????


    Just when our guys are figuring out where its been this whole time too? That’s just wrong!!

  47. New glasses… same terrible pitching. Welcome back, Jumbo…

  48. I’m not sure he quite got all of that one

  49. Reds hitters have to be saying: ” What’s the point? After we get a lead the bullpen will just give it up.” Why bother?

    • That’s exactly how they feel….we never seem to score after these collapses

  50. I sure am glad Jumbo got all of his problems worked out in the minors. It’s either no strike at all or right down the middle.

  51. I’m honestly laughing out loud

  52. Good gosh, someone has to be accountable for this mess. I understand about rebuilding but does that have to include being completely embarrassed every night? Wow.

  53. It’s a wonder that didn’t put a hole in a seat in left field.

  54. Jumbo and Cingrani have options and should be sent all the back to low A. Dayton.

  55. This is like the first part of Major League or any other sports movie where the script dictates that the team be horribly and comically bad except this is real. I wouldn’t think it would be possible to be bad literally every time out?

  56. It’s weird how if you make your bullpen up from cast offs from other team you have a hard time holding a lead . . . .

  57. Is the owner setting up to move this team to another town. You know, just like the movie, Major League? Sure looks like it.

  58. We need a 6 run Homer, like some kind of mtv softball game

  59. Opposing teams have to have the utmost confidence that no Reds lead is insurmountable.

Comments are closed.

About Mary Beth Ellis

Proud aunt Mary Beth Ellis is a freelance writer and college teacher who lives in Cincinnati, OH. Her home site, BlondeChampagne.com, has existed in at least some form since 2003, and Mary Beth has been a regular columnist with one publication or another from the age of 16. Her first book, Drink to the Lasses, was published in 2006. She currently teaches college, runs personal wine tastings, gives literary readings, and stares into the middle distance.


Game Thread