Hi, I’m Mary Beth, and I have a mathematical learning disability, and when I volunteered to write the game threads this weekend, I was not forewarned there would be math, so I’m going to make some math crap up and link to other math crap on Fangraphs.

Does anyone want to talk about the Indians series? Me neither. If it makes you feel any better, I have a lot of friends who are Indians fans, and the events of the Ohio Cup seem to have found them largely numb, as though, as a people, they have become so calloused against losing that they don’t entirely trust an actual, verifiable win. It’s as if a quail dropped dead within the confines of their winter fort and they’re all poking doubtfully at it with their spears and bayonets, fully suspecting there’s somehow an entire opposing army encased inside.

Fortunately, we Reds (15-26) fans have a three-game series against the Mariners (23-17) to look– I can’t say “forward to,” because nearly every single game is an exercise in watching the whole world disintegrate– so let’s just say “to look at.”  LOOK AT IT.  LOOK AT THE MARINERS SERIES, EVERYBODY, because they’re in first place in the AL West and we’re the team that just got swept by a Cleveland sports franchise.


Dan Straily 3.05 1.210    1.1 0.3 5.8
Hisashi Iwakuma 4.38 1.399   0.9 0.4 6.4

Dan Straily starts for the Reds. It seems necessary to clarify that he’s starting for the Reds and not the Mariners because unless one of the Reds players is alternately growing and shaving off a terrifying beard while trolling the nearest available fan base, I’m not entirely sure who he is.

I feel I should offer you further detailed statistics about Mr. Straily. He is 27 years, 5 months, and 19 days old.

I was told to also discuss the Mariners’ pitcher. He is Hisashi Iwakuma and he makes 12 million dollars a year. Dan Straily makes .5 million. I teach college and make .00000000000001 million.


1. Zack Cozart (SS)
2. Billy Hamilton (CF)
3. Joey Votto (1B)
4. Brandon Phillips (2B)
5. Jay Bruce (RF)
6. Eugenio Suarez (3B)
7. Adam Duvall (LF)
8. Tucker Barnhart (C)
9. Dan Straily (P)
1. Ketel Marte (SS)
2. Seth Smith (LF)
3. Robinson Cano (2B)
4. Nelson Cruz (RF)
5. Kyle Seager (3B)
6. Adam Lind (1B)
7. Chris Iannetta (C)
8. Leonys Martin (CF)
9. Hisashi Iwakuma (P)


Most of the other game thread writers include tweets in their posts, so I will, too.


Last night I wanted to turn off the existential crisis that was the ballgame but the radio was across a room I’d just mopped and I was trapped in the horror.  It was an important moment that taught me how dangerous cleaning is and that I should do less of it.


Did you guys know that there was a Billy Hamilton who played for the Reds from 1888 – 1901, and if you’re not really careful, you can accidentally link his Fangraph stats to the current Billy Hamilton?

88 Responses

  1. seat101

    The Reds will not lose tonight. Neither will they win. This game is going to get rained out. I’m looking for every positive I can find.

    Speaking of math, when I asked my three-year-old how much 3+3 is, he says “potato!”

    And what is a “Ben Franklin bullpen”?

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      I like the way your three year old thinks. Anything that results in a potato instead of more math is good.

  2. Patrick Jeter

    Love the pup holder! Go, Reds!

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Thanks. We’re all just desperately clinging to whatever joy we can have in the world at this point.

  3. joshtrum

    Every morning after a game like yesterday, the day before, or the day before, or the day before, I pinch myself and say, “good, the nightmare is over”. Nope, because (insert poor or down on his luck bullpen pitcher here) will throw a fart down the strike zone and then the Reds will go in what feels like an instant from up 1-3 runs to down 3-4. Only so many times I can pinch my arm for I realize this is an Inception level nightmare I’ll never escape.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      The best Tweet I’ve seen on this situation is “Don’t worry, everybody. Here comes the bullpen!”

      It’s funny because the bullpen ruins everything.

  4. Shchi Cossack

    Steve Selsky finally got his call up to the show!!

    Cincinnati Reds placed RHP Tim Adleman on the 15-day disabled list. strained left oblique
    Cincinnati Reds sent Drew Hayes outright to Louisville Bats.
    Cincinnati Reds selected the contract of Steve Selsky from Louisville Bats.

    • Shchi Cossack

      Hopefully that will soon mean that Pacheco will finally be DFA’d.

  5. Darrin

    Moscot has given up 4hrs in 3.1 innings so far for Louisville tonight

      • Darrin

        4 IP 11 hits 9 er 2 walks and 4 hrs. Yup, I’d say so.

  6. Shchi Cossack

    As reported by Sheldon…

    • DeSclafani threw the equivalent of three innings with 45 pitches on Friday afternoon with his next step a rehab assignment consisting of 3 starts to get stretched out bwefore being activated.

    • Pitcher Michael Lorenzen (right elbow and mononucleosis) was scheduled to throw a 40-pitch bullpen on Friday in Goodyear, Ariz. Lorenzen has already had two previous sessions working from the mound.

    • Pitcher Raisel Iglesias (right shoulder) long-tossed from 90 feet on Thursday without issue and played catch again on Friday.

    • The long-toss throwing for pitcher Homer Bailey (Tommy John surgery rehab) reached 140 feet on Thursday, without complications.

  7. Steve Mancuso

    Lance McAlister talked about the Bruce extension post for about 15 minutes during the WLW rain delay broadcast. It was good to hear Redleg Nation mentioned on the Reds broadcast.

  8. Darrin

    I don’t think Billy hatcher has any concept of distance.

  9. redsfan4life

    Is everyone for or against inter league play?

    • Eric The Red

      Against. It’s not as bad as the DH, because the DH messes up the strategy of the game. I do believe that if they insist on having interleague, they should do the DH in the NL parks and have the pitchers hit in the AL parks.

  10. Darrin

    Votto has had some bad luck this year with babip, 90 points under his career average.

  11. I-71_Exile

    I’m late to the party, but Mary Beth, that was a fantastic write-up. The horrors of mopping is why God invented brown floors.

    • Mary Beth Ellis

      Aw, thanks so much. I’ll remember that next time we move.

  12. Steve Mancuso

    Some play by Billy Hamilton. Run prevention, baby.

  13. Steve Mancuso

    Straily through six innings. An outstanding start by criteria of this pitching staff. Now it’s up to the bullpen. Hold on …

  14. TR

    Straily has been right on and now it’s the dangerous sixth.

  15. tdan4

    THAT is why you need Billy in the lineup

    • tdan4

      If he can stay healthy he will have many Gold Gloves

    • seat101

      If I were skyline chili, I don’t think I’d want to sponsor that “call to the bullpen” he Perhaps they should get a company that sells firewood. Or flamethrowers.

      • Gaffer

        Good call on skyline. It’s like when I was asked tonight by the waiter at the Mexican restaurant “did the food come out alright”. I said “I haven’t had a chance to find out yet.”

  16. DHud

    Isn’t Wood the one who walked in 3 or runs with the bases loaded the other night as well?

  17. seat101

    And less there’s a triple play on this next pitch I’m going to bed

  18. RedsFanEd (@RedsFanEd)

    And another Reds pitcher who has no idea where the ball is going. NONE. NEVER. But. he has options. Ted Power fixes them and they come back here and forget everything he taught them. I think Ted Power deserves to be in Cincinnati.

  19. msanmoore

    And we got bullpenned again … No fancy math needed here.

  20. muttonlettucetomato

    This is just so sad. I’m not sure when I’ve seen the Reds with a bullpen this bad in the last 45 years of watching. Just disheartening.

  21. Mary Beth Ellis

    I didn’t even clean this time.

  22. RedsFanEd (@RedsFanEd)

    Votto, clutch when it matters. Oh wait? Would have been better to let Hamilton steal 2nd base and make them walk Votto intentionally.

  23. Indy RedMan

    What do you think about your teams execution?

    I’m in favor of it!

    I’ll be glad to see Tony Disco, Lorenzen, Reed, Bob Steve, etc. but it could be sort of cool in a perverse way to set all time records of bad that can never be broken? These guys would do it without any doubt in my mind. They may do it anyway when some of our guys get back. Its hard to replace 7 guys in midseason?

    • Indy RedMan

      Did Ramirez celebrate like Jumbo….only 1 run!!! Alright!!!!!

  24. Indy RedMan

    Todd Coffey is pitching in Mexico….Kenny Powers style! I think? Someone give the big man a call!!

  25. Indy RedMan

    Actually Todd Coffey is with the Long Island Ducks…..which is what Reds fans do in GABP when our bullpen isn’t walking people

  26. Indy RedMan

    MLB is changing the strike zone?????


    Just when our guys are figuring out where its been this whole time too? That’s just wrong!!

  27. Darrin

    I’m not sure he quite got all of that one

    • Indy RedMan

      That’s exactly how they feel….we never seem to score after these collapses

  28. vegastypo

    I sure am glad Jumbo got all of his problems worked out in the minors. It’s either no strike at all or right down the middle.

  29. muttonlettucetomato

    Good gosh, someone has to be accountable for this mess. I understand about rebuilding but does that have to include being completely embarrassed every night? Wow.

  30. Indy RedMan

    This is like the first part of Major League or any other sports movie where the script dictates that the team be horribly and comically bad except this is real. I wouldn’t think it would be possible to be bad literally every time out?

  31. Gaffer

    It’s weird how if you make your bullpen up from cast offs from other team you have a hard time holding a lead . . . .

  32. Darrin

    We need a 6 run Homer, like some kind of mtv softball game