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**(A little bit of gallows humor to take our minds off of recent 438 ft. events. This is satire. Similarities to actual people are purely on purpose.)
Photo: Cincinnati Enquirer)
[Camera: Ohio maple trees rustle in front of Great American Ball Park viewed through the veil of a dream. Red and black smoke from Rozzi fireworks wafts through the frame. Music begins quietly, suggestive of 1975-76. Paul McCartney and Wings, Elton John and The Eagles.]
[Camera: Inside a private home in West Chester. A close shot, upside down of the stubble covered face of a young man. His eyes open…this is Bill. Bill continues to look up at a rotating fan in the ceiling. His MacBook Pro has web tabs open at FanGraphs, Baseball Prospectus and, of course, Redleg Nation.]
BILL (voice over): When I was home after the last game, it was worse. I hardly typed a word, let alone a comment. All I could think about was getting back to the ballpark. I’m at home now. Waiting for a mission. Every minute I stay in this room thinking about the Reds, I get weaker.
[Camera: Outside the home. An extremely middle-aged man, dressed in rumpled khaki’s and an authentic Joey Votto jersey, walks up and knocks on the door.]
BILL: Yeah, I’m coming.
BILL (voice over): I knew when this mission was over I’d never want another one.
Votto Jersey: I have orders to escort you to HQ, in southwest Virginia.
[Camera: Bill and Votto Jersey approach a civilian trailer. It is covered in Reds memorabilia and prison wire but still seems out of place near the courthouse. Inside is cool and comfortable. Autographed pictures of Sparky Anderson and Joe Maddon dot the wall, with full-size posters of Joe Morgan, Johnny Bench and Pete Rose, along with the full team pictures of the Big Red Machine from 1975 and 1976. The distinctive smell of Camp Washington chili, shipped in from Colerain Avenue, is mouth-watering.]
JAMES: Come in, Bill. Stand at ease. I’ll get right to the point. You’ve heard of Johnny B. “Dusty” Baker, manager of the Cincinnati Reds?
BILL: Yes sir. I’m a Reds season ticket holder, I’ve seen the sacrifice bunts.
JAMES: Listen to this tape, listen to it carefully, son.
Mr. Baker (on tape, voice over): I watched … a great hitter …take a walk. That’s my dream. It’s my nightmare. Clogging the bases, yet scoring … the horror of it. The pure beauty of swinging at the first pitch. The moral clarity of sacrificing outs.
JAMES: Mr. Baker was one of the most outstanding baseball players this country has ever seen. He had a career on base percentage of .347, with a dangerous combination of speed and power. He was a great man, with wit and humor. Excelled in every way. He even had a walk-rate of 9.5%. Silver Slugger. You know, he played with Hank A…”
BILL: Hank Aaron, yes sir. I’m aware of that. We all are.
JAMES: But then he became Manager and his ideas, methods, became stale and unsound. Unsound. He bats weak hitters at the top of the lineup. Uses inflexible bullpen roles. He disparages walks and plate discipline. There is quite a litany. Corey Patterson. Willy Taveras. Orlando Cabrera. Gomes against right-handed pitchers. Edgar Renteria. Pinch hitting Costanzo for Leake. It’s a very damning list.
BILL: Yes sir. And all those sacrifice bunts.
JAMES: That’s right. You see Bill, every year we learn more and more about baseball strategies. Things we used to believe have been proven wrong. Many managers have adapted to the new knowledge. But for some, power, ideals, the old morality, that’s all that matters. And that’s what has happened to Mr. Baker, he’s become unsound.
BILL: He talks wistfully of “RBI-guys.”
JAMES: Exactly. To make matters worse, out there at GABP, all alone with the Reds beat reporters, he must be quite tempted to become God-like. He’s created a cult where every employee is held strictly accountable for “their job,” except apparently, Mr. Baker himself.
Votto Jersey: Nothing is ever his fault. When something goes wrong, it always was the player’s job. Well, what’s his job?
JAMES: Sometimes the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature. Every man has got a breaking point. And Mr. Baker has reached his.
BILL: Willie Harris hitting lead-off, sir?
JAMES: Aroldis Chapman, son. Chapman has one of the best arms in all of baseball and he’s left-handed. Yet Mr. Baker uses Chapman in a small number of innings, often in games where any other pitcher could do the same job. It’s a colossal waste of talent. If the Reds want to win the World Series, they’ll need Chapman at the front of the starting rotation. It’s … insanity … for the Reds to use him this way.
[Bill looks from the General to Votto Jersey.]
JAMES: Not to mention that Chapman has never been a closer. He may not be suited for it. Mr. Baker could use Sean Marshall. I fear that Chapman has begun a downward spiral and must be rescued from this role. The Reds have to try him at starting pitcher, where he has the most potential value. But their management seems to be moving in the opposite direction. Do you agree?
BILL: Absolutely.
JAMES: Your mission Bill, is to proceed from your home, south on I-75, through the traffic congestion and the road construction to downtown Cincinnati. You know the way?
BILL: Yes, sir. Very well, sir.
JAMES: When you reach The Banks, enter Great American Ball Park from below ground. Learn what you can along the way. When you find Mr. Baker, infiltrate his team by whatever means available. And terminate Mr. Baker’s command.
BILL: Terminate … Mr. Baker?
JAMES: Or talk some sense into him.
Votto Jersey: Terminate with extreme prejudice. Or talk some sense into him.
JAMES: He’s out there, still on the field, operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable managerial conduct.
JAMES: You understand, son that this mission does not exist. And even though it is of vital importance it won’t be covered by the local beat writers.
BILL: We’re used to that.
JAMES: That’s right. Good luck, Bill. The Nation is counting on you.
[Camera: Close up on Bill, eating Graeter’s chocolate chip ice cream, in deep thought about the mission. "Strange Days" by The Doors plays in the background.]
BILL (voice over): Well, I wasn’t going to terminate Mr. Baker. But I had a plan.
[Camera: Fade to black.]
**Part Two, the conclusion, will post tomorrow.
This was needed.
He even had a walk-rate of 9.5%.
He’s a reformed base clogger
Ha!! “Reformed base clogger” Awesome!
I don’t see any need for Part Two.
Can’t wait to find out the plan!
Aw, c’mon Steve. … That’s no fair.. But Bill James ??? I LOVE IT
Not fair, as in not fair to make us wait for the second part, I mean.
Solid attempt at humor.
Nice intertwining of the dialogue from the film.
“The horror, the horror.”
“A snail crawling along a razor’s edge …”
That’s a great line in the screenplay.
Great stuff. I’m hoping Part 2 involves a Delta Force squad led by Chuck Norris and Todd Frazier.
More buffoonery coming off Mancuso’s keyboard. I knew Steve had an unhealthy obsession with disliking Dusty Baker, but this takes it to a new level. Especially the part about how Baker uses players that his boss Walt Jocketty negotiated a contract for. Is Steve blind or deaf? Mancuso appears incapable of comprehending that Jocketty is just as responsible for AAA players impacting Major League games for the Reds as Baker is. After all, Walt hired them and assigned them to a department!
Kurtz was corrupted by the orders of his bosses and poisoned by the environment that he was in. Kurtz knew what he was doing and the generals didn’t. These are all facts of the story Heart of Darkness. Of course Mancuso ignores these critical details and bends the story to embarrass the skipper.
That would mean that Jocketty and his ridiculous orders to make a three-course meal out of gruel drove Baker to work on his own plan. How Steve missed that is extremely typical of him. Bend every half-truth to make Baker appear villainous. It’s really sad and predictable to see an RN editor who can’t help but chide the Reds’ manager every opportunity he gets, win or loss.
Sheesh! What are you mad at? Steve’s literary license or Steve’s lampooning of Dusty’s old fashioned, hackneyed ways?
I think the Reds Manager reeks of petrichor. Figure out that literary reference, whydon’tcha?
I wonder how many of you youngsters know where the “form” of this post came from?
And it’s Liberty Township, not West Chester…
@secondguessingfanbase: Nice to have you back. It’s been a while. This post, and its companion part later today, are humor. Something in the tone of your comment leads me to believe you missed that. Plus, you haven’t read the second part, so you don’t know how it ends or how it’s intended. As you accuse others of “unhealthy obsessions” keep in mind your own behavior and the single minded blame you put on Walt Jocketty. How exactly is that different? (And by the way, since your last comment, I’ve been plenty critical of the General Manager. But missing that seems pretty typical of you.) Try to enjoy the second part in the light-hearted spirit in which it was intended!
Someone needs to read the section on Commenting Guidelines.
@Steve Mancuso: In this context, I have a problem with the comparison because while humorous, it doesn’t really fit the situation well unless you’re saying Baker is an excellent manager that’s been ran off the course by his superiors’ stupidity. It just doesn’t fit with what you’re trying to say, Steve.
You have been increasingly critical of Jocketty, and I haven’t ignored that. In the future I’ll make sure to note your objectivity better.
Things that are typical of me are to analyze why the team arrived at the moment they’re in. Signing a guy like Renteria with any manager is asking for trouble. Baker holds responsibility for playing him too much. The Reds had Paul Janish as their SS. That raises the question, which is worse? There isn’t a real answer there. Cozart was playing SS for Rick Sweet the whole time. That’s a Jocketty problem. But if you just read fan posts and RN recaps from 2011, you’d think Baker was the only thing causing such a low output at the SS position besides the players themselves.
I have no single-minded focus when analyzing the Reds other than pondering what can help them win more games and play more consistently inning to inning, game to game. Protecting the best player in the game should have been priority #1 this offseason, regardless of the needs in the pitching staff. Beltran should have been offered a contract over his value, and Walt didn’t even pursue him. He even publicly said that he wasn’t interested in the best hitter on the market that wouldn’t cost a long term contract. I don’t agree with the premise of the Latos trade because you don’t pay for Tommy John and a rehab program and then trade a guy before you know if it worked or not, but I’m willing to be patient on it. The fuss over Chapman starting starts with the GM. He won’t put his foot down, and that is the bottom line of the Chapman saga. Chapman will do what Jocketty says, and Jocketty told him to go work in the bullpen. If Dusty made him a closer because he had a 0.00 ERA, there are more inept decisions to chastise, notably the fact that the Cuban is relieving at all despite the Reds’ pen being more than capable of survival without him. When you have Bronson Arroyo, Mike Leake and Homer Bailey in your rotation, you have no choice but to peg those guys as collectively league average. Chapman ain’t average.
The reason it seems like I pick on Walt is because when it comes down to it, he hasn’t done a good job evaluating his own roster. Who plays for the team is more important than what the manager does with them. Major leaguers perform, minor leaguers don’t. Why does Walt keep signing minor leaguers for his bench?
I’ll be tuned in for the second half of Chapocalypse, and I’ll be more receptive this time around.
Great post, Steve. My favorite RN post ever, maybe.
@secondguessingfanbase: And so long to you, secondguessingfanbase. I’m tired of your nonsense. You are banned.
@Chad Dotson: Ouch, but it was certainly merited.
As an aside, after seeing Louisville find their stride, I wonder why Gathright, Navarro, and Paul (don’t call be Brett Boone) Janish can’t get some airtime? Are Harris and Valdez that much better? Does the chemistry of this team dictate otherwise?
We know Chapman was relegated to the bullpen by Jocketty due to injuries (3 of them). We know that the acquisition of Simon was for the same purpose. We know DB elected to make Chapman the closer after Marshall turned in an early mixed bad.
Now: Bray is back and should be okay in spite of his 1st start. Simon is a reliable piece to the pen. Masset is progressing.
Why hasn’t Bray’s arrival caused the movement of Chapman? Isn’t the time ripe for Walt to get him out of the bullpen and into AAA? It’s not as if this team is better off with the Chapman of June (as opposed to that Chapman of April/May) and needs him.
Re: the ban (posted publicly, though directed at secondguessing, who continues to attempt to post some pretty vile things; fortunately, the system automatically dumps the posts in the trash) the commenting guidelines are above. They apply to everyone.
No one is banned for disagreeing with anyone around here. Personal attacks will get you banned every time. Actually, I’ve been more lenient with secondguessing than I should have been, because he’s a repeat offender.
There is a reason the Nation has been a cool place to hang out for the last eight seasons and discuss the Reds without a lot of the nonsense you see elsewhere on the interwebs. The editors take pride in that. We can argue — often times vociferously — but the discourse remains a level above other places.
For some reason, the level of discourse has dropped somewhat recently and I’m not going to allow that. I’m going to start keeping a closer watch on the offenders.
Most of you, of course, are awesome and can ignore this post. Thanks for helping to make the Nation what it is.
@Chad Dotson: Thanks, Chad. Your efforts are very much appreciated. It is difficult to maintain the high quality of RLN, but it’s so important to all of us.
The civility on the blog had dropped as of a few weeks ago and I made a comment about it and separately told one new blogger that I didn’t like his sarcastic use of “LOL”, though I respected his comment Anyway he disappeared: I didn’t want him to, he overreacted. Since then I just shut up about that kind of thing. It really helps that you and the other blog leaders maintain the spirited, civil and fun atmosphere here.
@Chad Dotson: So I can’t call you a ?
Actually, I have found pretty much everyone I’ve interacted with around here to be pretty good about not letting things get personal, even when there are disagreements. It’s one of the reasons why I have hung around.